Tiers of the Kingdom
The definitive airport quality quiz
Summer travel always end up a mess? Take the quiz to determine whether it’s your airport’s fault (or maybe you’re just unlucky).
Point values are listed for each response. Calculate your airport’s score. Then, find the corresponding tier and some airport comps.
How long does it take to get from the city my airport serves to my airport?
Under 15 minutes (+4)
15-29 minutes (+3)
30-45 minutes (+2)
Over 45 minutes (-2 points)
My airport is a hub for…
Korean Air/ANA or equivalent (+5)
American Airlines/United or equivalent (+4)
Southwest/JetBlue or equivalent (+3)
Avianca/TAP Air Portugal or equivalent (0)
Spirit/Frontier or equivalent (-2)
Is my airport international?
Yes, big time (+4)
Yes, BUT it only has flights to…
The Caribbean (+3)
Canada (+1)
England (-1)
Other (+2)
No (0)
Does my airport have a tram, an air rail, or a “wiki-wiki shuttle”?
Yes. And everyone. Must. Ride it (-2)
Yes, but only to long-term parking or public transportation (+1)
No (+2)
Is there a separate security line for TSA PreCheck?
Yes (+2)
Yes… but TSA gives out those little plastic PreCheck “red badge of courage” laminates because PreChecks send their bags through the same bag scanner as the plebes so it takes longer and PreChecks feel more snobbish (+1)
No (0)
Does TSA have the “new and improved” automated scanners that require a bin for everything, evenly space bins on the conveyor belt, run one bin at a time through the scanner, and divert suspicious bins into a hand-scan netherworld for the one human staff to maybe (not) notice, forcing travelers to tell TSA that a bag needs to be checked, before the traveler watches helplessly as TSA, in their formerly blue (now yucky brown) non-latex gloves, touches everything in the carry-on (including, for some reason, the head of a toothbrush) while unpacking the entire bag to find electrolyte powder or banana bread and swabs the object of interest to make sure it isn’t snortable or explosive, creating a backlog of bags to check, before letting the disgusted traveler repack the molested carry-on?
Yes, exclusively (-2)
Yes, some (-1)
No (+2)
Does my airport have water bottle filling stations?
Yes, and I mean STATIONS (+5)
Yes, but only a few (+2)
Yes, but only a few AND the water tastes funky (0)
No (-1)
Is there enough space at the gates, generally?
Not enough chairs for everyone on the plane (-1)
Enough chairs for everyone on the plane (0)
More than enough chairs for everyone on the plane (+1)
More than enough chairs AND room for people to line up without spilling into the walkway (+3)
Is there Wifi?
Try random networks at your own risk (-1)
Free, spotty airport Wifi (0)
Free airport Wifi that cranks (+2)
What is the charging situation?
Arm-wrestle strangers for the privilege of plugging in devices (0)
Receptacles at every seat, but none “actually work” (-1)
Receptacles at seats as well as charging stations (+2)
Are there other accouterments (select all that apply)?
Children’s play area (+1)
Yoga room (+1)
Power adapters to borrow at help desks (+1)
Visual displays (+1)
Showers for a fee (+1)
Rental beds (+1)
“Quiet terminals” (+1)
Frequent delays due to weather etc. (-2)
Other (+1)
None (-3)
What restaurants dominate the food landscape at my airport?
McDonald’s, Jack in the Box, or equivalent (0)
Pei Wei Chinese, Sbarro, or equivalent (0)
Souplantation, Cracker Barrel, or equivalent (-1)
“Regional” chains seldom consumed elsewhere (+1; Stinger Rays, anyone?)
An array of options reflective of popular city eats (+5)
How’s the baggage claim experience?
Small airport, small claim, short wait (+2)
Despite appearances, things are efficient (+1)
Bags get the Monsters Inc treatment before maybe reaching the carousel 30 minutes later (-2)
How does my airport help with pickup traffic (choose all that apply)?
It doesn’t; aka the free-for-all (-1)
The Vegas-style 200 person taxi queue that’s somehow speedy (+1)
Uber and Lyft go to a special pick-up area, curtailing arrival congestion (+1)
Public transportation is easily accessible (+1)
Now, add (and subtract) to find your airport score.
Then, find your tier and the airport comparisons below.
Tier 0 - The FronTier
0 points or fewer
Smaller US airports are Tier 0 risks. Many lack international flights, and those that fly internationally are still prey to awful airline collabs (Fort Lauderdale and Spirit).
People ride for Ontario. Served by Frontier and Avianca, Ontario is barely a city, so calculate the commute from Los Angeles.
#IflyOAK, but there are too few bottle stations and the water tastes booty.
A larger airport, Chicago O’Hare falls into this tier. The culinary suite of Manchu Wok, Chili’s, Hot Dogs, and all the vending machines is rough. Good luck finding a water bottle filling station. There’s a tram. It’s a Spirit hub. The storms are wicked and flights get delayed. What happens to the marijuana that is collected in O’Hare’s weed forfeiture bins?
Tier 1 - Too LAX Tier
1-19 points
It takes 45 minutes to get anywhere in LA, but it somehow takes longer than that to get to the airport from anywhere. LAX security lines are a mess, spilling into different rooms where TSA showcases an impressive concert of human and AI incompetence. Bizarro cul-de-sac terminals with six gates in the same room find everyone sitting on each other eating California Pizza Kitchen and yelling (on speakerphone) while gazing about for a charge. Sometimes a bus is required to cross the tarmac to a gate in another building. You walk through miles of unadorned tunnels to reach baggage claim. Pickup traffic is awful and now you have to take a bus to the Uber pickup area. Is LAX in Tier 0?
Tier 2 - The Best We Can Do?
20-39 points
If the Harvey Milk Terminal was SFO, SFO would be in Tier 3. There’s a massive water station with three water temperatures on offer (hot, cold, and ambient) immediately after security. The Little Chihuahua’s Mexican and Margs combo is a nice juxtaposition with Amy’s weirdo burger stand vibes. The terminal is spacious and quiet. Harvey Milk history adorns walls.
By comparison, SFO’s other terminals are lacking. Gott’s Roadside and Valencia St. Station are the two options in one section of the International Terminal. Directly across from one another. They serve the same mediocre American fare. It’s like a miniature “Eataly,” the Las Vegas food court that has 15 restaurants ALL SERVING ITALIAN FOOD. Why make a food court? I NEED TO TALK TO THE PERSON IN CHARGE!
Tier 3 - Rarified Air
40 + points:
Despite losing two points on question one, the Seoul-Incheon International Airport sparkles. After the long, comfortable ride to the airport, Seoul-Incheon is clean, spacious, and accommodating. For long layovers, the airport features tasty food options, great Wifi, and a smorgasbord of accoutrement: a video game room, a golf course, a spa, museum, and more! When it is time to fly, the experience remains first-class because the airport is serviced by the wonderful Korean Air. But, you may just want to skip your flight and hang out. Sometimes, the airport is the destination.